 Posted 2/22/2007 10:21:26 PM
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I have a question for you. Well maybe not as much of a question as a vent. My wife and I recently got married after being together for four years and living together for three. She recently has become fond of going out to the bar with her friends every weekend or every chance she gets. She never did this before now. I trust her and everything but I just don’t like the feeling that she is in some bar whenever she has the opportunity. I am a full time student who works weekends (she works full time and has weekends free). We both moved away from home together for school three years ago. We haven’t really met anyone else around here, as I guess we are not social people. However, I work weekends in our hometown. That is where she always wants to go out. And as a result of me working I can never go along with her. I think that the situation would be different if she wanted to do things with her friends besides go out to the bar, but that is all that she seems to do. She never wants to drink alcohol around me, but she always wants to when around her friends. I guess I should have seen this coming when she left me to socialize by myself at our wedding when she went to her friends’ table to play drinking games (the only people who didn’t have to pay for their alcohol at our wedding! Even the wedding party bought their own alcohol even though we told them they didn’t have to). Oh I almost forgot that since we have been married she has 1. advertised our car for sale on craigslist (just to get an idea of what we might get), 2. applied for a mortgage for a house just to see what she could get (even though I told her that I am not interested in buying a house), 3. attempted to solicit strangers as workout partners through craigslist 4. tried to get complete strangers to invite her to their bachelorette party via a wedding talkboard (because she apparently did not get a bachelorette party. Which she kind of did, and also she convinced me to have her come along on my “bachelor party” which consisted of having a bbq at a lake and one friend going out to the bar with me). 5. Ooops did I forget to mention that she has done all of that behind my back. So now for the question: do you think it is appropriate for one member of the couple to be going to a bar on a regular basis? Am I over reacting? I try to be understanding and let her do whatever she wants but is this going too far or am I just over reacting? Probably over reacting but this little vent does make me feel better. Thanks for listening.
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Posted 2/23/2007 2:14:03 PM
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| Have you talked to her about her going out to the bars all the time? Does she get together with these friends other than at the bar? Maybe she misses socializing with the girls and that is her outlet. You could skip out of work and hang out with her at the bar. Are these group of friends single or married because she might not be in the marriage mode if all her friends are single. Sorry, it seems like I am asking questions and not providing answers. My husband and I try to communicate so if there is anything bugging us than we can get it resolved before it blows up. Just maybe try talking to her and finding out why she is doing this.
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Posted 2/24/2007 12:53:00 PM
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| Hi: I think you already know that your marriage is in serious trouble. You didn't say how old you both are or if you have any children (I hope not), but I'm guessing that you are both young and may have gotten married for the wrong reasons (perhaps she always dreamed of a wedding - alot of women want a wedding not a marriage). My husband was married before me and his first marriage sounded alot like yours. Even having a child, didn't stop her partying ways and this is the reason she is now the ex-wife. There is nothing wrong with going out with the girls once in awhile but nothing should be done in secret. Your spouse needs to be your best friend and the person you want to spend most of your time with in order for a marriage to last. She should still spend time with her friends too, as I'm sure she is lonely when you are working, but there must be something else they can do together besides hang out in bars. You can't be married and act single at the same time - hanging out in bars sends the wrong message to everyone and is disrespectful to you. Good luck! I hope you do work things out with her.
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Posted 3/2/2007 3:32:46 PM
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| What she's doing is definitely neither right nor justifiable. Frequenting bars with girlfriends isn't what a married woman should be into. Regardless of whether you're around a lot or not. If she feels the need to socialize it can be done without the alcohol and the bar scene. You should definitely try to put an end to this. Can't believe the wedding incident either. Like mamaneedanap mentioned, it's quite clear that this relationship is in serious trouble. Couples counselling should definitely be considered
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Posted 3/9/2007 12:49:46 PM
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| Thank you everyone for the input. I have brought up the issue again and it seem to be going better now. We are planning on going to counseling. Does anyone know of any good counselors in the Scarborough/ Toronto area?
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Posted 3/9/2007 1:33:36 PM
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| sorry, I can't be of any help with the counsellors, I do think it's best to chose one who was personally referred to you rather than just go to a random one. On the other hand, I think it's great that the 2 of you are going for this. I really hope it helps.
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Posted 3/11/2007 3:42:01 PM
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| I feel that both of you have some serious communication issues. And if you don't confront them and deal with them now, it will ruin your marriage more then her going to the bars. If you are christians, I suggest you speak with a local minister. Even if you don't go to church regularly, they are often willing to help those who need it. And they have lots of experience in dealing with more things then just God. If you think you can go it alone. Listen first. Then listen some more, don't interupt at all. Just nod your head and say hmm. It will be hard to do but this is a good way for the other person to actually tell you things. And sometimes come up with a solution to their problem. Don't blame. Very hard to do when angry. When you want to explain how this is affecting you, start with "I feel..." statements. Not "you are making me feel like...." Hope you find some peace within your marriage and yourself.
Mom of Cole (age 4) and Carter (age 2) www.scotiapuzzles.com
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Posted 4/15/2007 12:56:39 AM
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mamaneedanap (2/24/2007)
Hi: I think you already know that your marriage is in serious trouble. You didn't say how old you both are or if you have any children (I hope not), but I'm guessing that you are both young and may have gotten married for the wrong reasons I dont think that being young does not has anything to do with a marriage being in trouble. Me adn my husband are young we have a baby good jobs adn a very loving marriage but people are constantly judging us because of our age! I personally think that if you are 21 30 or 40 your marriage can go wrong because of personal reasons not age!
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Posted 4/18/2007 12:48:45 PM
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| Sorry if I offended you HotMami, but I never said that the only couples who have relationship issues are those that married young. I assumed the poster was young because he said that he and his new wife had just recently moved from their parents' homes to be out on their own and that he was still a full time student. Obviously, personal issues are the reason why couples divorce. However, marrying at a young age can play a factor for some couples who are not mature enough, which seemed to be the case for this particular couple based on his wife's immature actions. I know some couples who married young and are still in happy marriages which is terrific (and that is great that you are in a happy marriage - I wouldn't wish an unhappy marriage on anyone); however, I know more couples who married in their early 20's whose marriages did not last long or even the first year (tough on the couples and more tough on their children). Stats show the highest percentage of divorces are by women who married before they were 20 (27.6%) and women who married between 20 - 24 years old (36.6%). That doesn't mean all young couples marriages are doomed or that couples who married later in life are going to last forever, but it does show that some younger couples haven't taken enough time to get to know themselves or their partners before walking down the aisle.
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